The Depth Of His Love
by JagFan42
Summary: Mac and Harm talk at the end of Trojan Horse - Final Chapter!
1. The Depth Of His Love

Title: The Depth of His Love

Author: Barb

Classification: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but DPB and Belisaris Productions do.

A/N: This is my very first try at fan fiction, so I hope you all have mercy on me! Feedback is welcome, even the bad ones.  
  
Summary: This story takes place at the end of Trojan Horse and is written from Mac's POV. This hasn't been beta read by anyone, so all mistakes are mine.  
  
1305 Zulu

USS Wake Island

Arabian Sea  
  
I watch Harm retreat down the passageway and can't stop the words from resounding in my head. "If you love him, it really doesn't matter what I want."  
  
Wow, just like Harm to say something so ambiguous and run. I'm really getting sick of this dance too. But I want to know exactly what he meant by that statement. Could it be that after all this time, he's willing to make his intentions known? Hah, not likely. I can't take this anymore, I have to know what he meant.  
  
I follow the way Harm retreated and a few minutes later, find myself at the hatch to Harm's stateroom. It's now or never, and I raise my hand to knock. I hesitate for a second. I've never felt so nervous, my heart is starting to pound. Do I really want to know what he thinks? What if it wasn't what I thought? Okay, the suspense is killing me. No matter what the outcome, at least I'll know where I stand once and for all.  
  
With determination, I finally get up the courage to knock. I wait a few seconds, and I start thinking that maybe Harm isn't in his room, when suddenly the door opens. He looks at me and cocks his head to the side, his hand on the door, waiting for me to say something. "I want to talk to you." I say with courage I don't really feel. Suddenly I'm thinking maybe this isn't such a good idea.  
  
"I think we've said everything we need to say, Mac." Harm says as he straightens up and starts to close the hatch in my face.  
  
"Wait, Harm. Please, I want to know what you meant." I plead while pushing my hand against the closing hatch.  
  
"What is it you really want from me, Mac?" he asked me.  
  
"If you let me in, I'll tell you." Harm looks at me with distrust, but relents. He opens the door and lets me come inside, then closes the door behind me. As soon as I hear the latch click, I swallow and take a deep breath.  
  
"Okay, Mac. What part of what I said didn't you understand, exactly?" He crosses his arms and looks at me expectantly.  
  
Harm's stare is boring a hole through me. He's waiting for me to say something, but I just look at those eyes and my mind starts to fog up. I can't think straight. "Mac," Harm repeats. Okay, this is it. I steel my courage and take a deep cleansing breath. I have to look away if I'm going to be able to speak. I can't believe the effect his eyes have on me.  
  
"Harm, you said if I love him, it doesn't really matter what you want. But it does matter, to me Harm, it matters very much. I need to know what it is you want, Harm, I think I deserve it. No more ambiguity. Spell it out for me like I'm a 2-year old." There, I said it. I feel a little relieved and a little excited that I was finally able to ask a bold question. I stare at him and patiently wait for his response with a somewhat arrogant look on my face.  
  
"Okay, Mac, you asked for it, so I'm going to give it to you in plain English." He says as he points his finger in my face. "No more games. But you have to promise me that you won't say anything until I've finished saying what I have to say. Deal?" He asked. He stood there waiting for my response with his arms crossed over his chest. I've wanted for so long to feel those strong muscles again, remembering that kiss on the Admiral's porch so many years ago. It feels like forever.  
  
"Deal," I say as Harm closes the hatch. The next thing I know Harm starts coming toward me and I realize he's not planning to stop. I back up, then back up some more, and suddenly I hit the bulkhead. I put out my hands to steady myself and look up to him as if to say, "You can't intimidate me."  
  
Harm takes my wordless challenge and puts his hands on either side of my shoulders. He looks at me and I start to melt again, God look at those eyes. I'm becoming mesmerized by his stare, I have to swallow again. Get a grip Mac, you can do this. You can handle whatever he has to throw at you. You're a kick-butt Marine.  
  
"I want YOU, Mac." He says. His face slowly edges toward mine. "I want to kiss your sweet lips." He leans in closer and I swear my heart just stopped. He's going to kiss me, I've been waiting so long to feel those lips on mine again. My eyes start to close in anticipation, but nothing happens. Harm just kept moving and the next thing I know his head is next to my ear. He starts to whisper to me and I can feel his hot breath on my neck as he breathes in and takes in my scent.  
  
"I want to touch you, Mac, I want you to touch me." He whispers. He is so close and I take a deep breath. Suddenly I can feel my breasts touch the fabric of his chest. He pulls away ever so slightly, just so I can't feel him against me. I realize now, he's trying to seduce me. And it's working. I'm starting to feel so warm, is it getting hot in here? I can't believe the effect he's having on my senses.  
  
"I want to make love with you. When I'm moving deep inside you, feeling your need for me, I want you to tingle with excitement and moan in anticipation of the release of the tension that's been building between us for eight years." He says this as his breath caresses my ear.  
  
As he's whispering, my breath is becoming more rapid and I can feel the magnetism of his words on me. I feel my hips start to move toward him, so slowly. I try to stop it but I can't, I'm powerless when it comes to this man. I'm excited when my body ever so slightly meets his arousal for the first time. We both inhale sharply, not expecting the impact that feeling has on both of us. Again, Harm moves away just enough so that we lose contact. His head comes around and is now facing me. He is so close. He looks into my eyes and says, "And I want you to look into my eyes and see the depth of my love for you."  
  
I think I've just died. I can't breathe. God, he's looking at me and I can see it finally, I hear the words. He loves me.  
  
"Breathe, Mac." He says. I don't know how long it's been since I took a breath, but I feel that if I do, the spell will be broken. I finally feel the need to expel some air, it streams out of me and I quiver. My knees are weak and my legs feel like jelly. I want to say something. "I..."  
  
Harm immediately puts his finger up to my lips to stop me from talking. "I'm not finished, Mac. You promised you'd wait until I'm done talking." He reminds me. I look up and give him a small nod, it's the best I can do, and he understands. I know he knows what he's doing to me, and he's enjoying it. I think he's been waiting to do this for a long time.  
  
"I want to marry you Mac. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep." He is speaking so softly, his head has turned back to my ear so I can't see his face. But I can feel the power of him.  
  
"I want to have babies with you. One who has your looks and my brains, and one who has my looks and your brains. They would be....perfect." I nod slightly in agreement and smile, we would make beautiful children together.  
  
"I want to grow old with you, Mac. I want you to let me love you forever." He says with so much tenderness I start to feel the tears well up in my eyes. Not now, I don't want to cry now. I close my eyes tightly and will myself to hold them back.  
  
Harm moves and faces me again, our foreheads almost touching. "But what I want most, Mac, is for you to be happy. If you love him I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend. I'll always love you no matter what." He raises his head and kisses me lightly on my forehead. He looks down and leans to peel my hands from the bulkhead and gives them a small squeeze. Then he backs away. He leans over, opens the hatch and leans against it, waiting for me to leave. I'll never forget the words he said, the feel of his body so close to mine. Those were the most awe inspiring words I've ever heard spoken in my life.  
  
Oh my God. What just happened here? I'm standing here like a doe caught in the headlights. I'm speechless, I can't breathe, and I can feel the tears start welling up again. Harm's stare penetrates my being, he looks at me and gives me a smile. I'll never forget this moment for the rest of my life. I got what I asked for. As I look at Harm again, I start to walk slowly out of the hatch. It's up to me now. I know what I have to do.  
  
The End


	2. What Have I Done?

Title: What Have I Done?

Author: Barb

Classification: PG-13

A/N: Feedback is welcome, even the bad ones.  
  
This is a sequel to The Depth Of His Love, a story that takes place at the end of Trojan Horse and is written from Harm's POV, after his visit from Mac.  
  
1325 Zulu USS Wake Island Arabian Sea  
  
I watch Mac leave my stateroom and I close the hatch behind me. I let out the huge breath I'd been holding and lean up against the bulkhead. Oh, brother, I did it this time, I'm in big trouble now. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. She's going to go back to her room and think about what happened, and then she's going to come back and kick my six from here to next week.  
  
I relive the moments in my mind, and I shiver with an all-consuming ache for her. She started out acting all smug and indignant, but I took control. If you lose control in my world, you die.  
  
FLASHBACK

"Okay, Mac. What part of what I said didn't you understand, exactly?" I crossed my arms and look at her expectantly. She just looks at me and takes a deep breath. I have to say her name again. She looks away as if she can't stand to look at me, or is it that I'm having an affect on her?  
  
She says, "Harm, you said if I love him, it doesn't really matter what you want. But it does matter, to me Harm, it matters very much. I need to know what it is you want, Harm, I think I deserve it. No more ambiguity. Spell it out for me like I'm a 2-year old." She looked very pleased with herself and a little smug. Well, I'll show her.  
  
"Okay, Mac, you asked for it, so I'm going to give it to you in plain English." I say as I point my finger in her face. "No more games. But you have to promise me that you won't say anything until I've finished saying what I have to say. Deal?" I ask.  
  
"Deal," she says as I close the hatch. I have no idea what I'm going to say or do, I'm caught so off guard. So I do something I've never done before with Mac....I wing it. I start moving toward her and I really planned on stopping, but I couldn't, she was pulling me in with her eyes. She backs up, then back up some more, and suddenly hits the bulkhead. Ouch, that had to hurt, I think as she puts out her hands and grabs for dear life. She looks at me defiantly. I feel the challenge in her eyes. So I screw up my courage and what came next even surprised me.  
  
She looks up at me expectantly. God, look at those beautiful brown eyes. I want to drown in them. Here goes nothing.  
  
"I want YOU, Mac." I say. Where did those words come from? It's me talking but I can't believe the words actually came out of my mouth. I get even closer, if you can imagine that. "I want to kiss your sweet lips," I say to her. This must be a dream. I lean in closer and my heart starts to pound in rhythm with my increasing heartbeat. She thinks I'm going to kiss her, I'm right there, and I want to. I can see her eyes start to close in anticipation. Oh, how I want to feel her lips on mine. I think better of it though. I'm not sure how she's going to react, so I keep moving and the next thing I know my lips are next to her ear. Okay, I can do this. I start to softly whisper to her and I can feel the heat starting to emanate from her body. I can't help but breathe in her scent, wishing that I could run my fingers through her hair.  
  
"I want to touch you, Mac, I want you to touch me." I whisper. She takes a deep breath and I can feel her breasts touch the fabric of my chest. As much as I want to feel her against me, I admit the fear that she's going to slap me any minute. I pull away ever so slightly, so I can't feel her against me and I mourn the loss. I can feel her breath becoming deeper and faster, encouraging me to continue.  
  
"I want to make love with you," I say with as much sincerity as I feel. "When I'm moving deep inside you, feeling your need for me, I want you to tingle with excitement and moan in anticipation of the release of the tension that's been building between us for eight years." Oh, God, did I say that? To Mac? I can feel the sensation that my mind congers up. Feeling somewhat bolder now, I continue my verbal assault on her senses.  
  
I feel her move ever so slightly. Her body touches mine and I can't hide my arousal from her. We both inhale sharply, not expecting the impact that feeling has on both of us. I have to move away, but not too far. I don't want to lose the heat that is burning there. I face her, she is so close. I look at her and say, "And I want you to look into my eyes and see the depth of my love for you." I mean every word.  
  
Wow. She stops breathing. I think she understands. I think the reality of what I just said is starting to settle in her eyes. "Breathe, Mac." I tell her. She exhales and I watch her quiver. I want to hold her so much.  
  
Mac looks at me and tries to talk. I put my finger up to her soft lips. I'm losing myself in her eyes, but I find the will to continue. We're almost there. "I'm not finished, Mac. You promised you'd wait until I'm done talking." I remind her. She nods in small defeat. I'm think maybe I'm getting to her, and I'm starting to enjoy it.  
  
"I want to marry you Mac. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep." I say softly, and turn back to her ear so she can't see the strain on my face. She doesn't know she has it, but I can feel the power she has over me. I can't stop now.  
  
"I want to have babies with you. One who has your looks and my brains, and one who has my looks and your brains. They would be....perfect." I say, and I can feel her nod slightly in agreement. I smile.  
  
"I want to grow old with you, Mac. I want you to let me love you forever." I tell her and I've never felt anything so strongly in my life. I hope she hears the words and feels their truth.  
  
I move to face her again, our foreheads almost touching. "But what I want most, Mac, is for you to be happy. If you love him I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend. I'll always love you no matter what." I raise my head and kiss her lightly on her forehead. I reach down and pull her hands into mine, and give them a small squeeze. The hardest thing I ever had to do was back away, but I did it. I lean over, open the hatch and wait for her to leave. She has to leave now. Otherwise I'll lose control.  
  
Mac looks at me, she's frozen there, staring. I haven't seen her take a breath, and I almost see her eyes start to get moist. I look at her and smile. All the words I've spoken tonight pale in comparison to the way I really feel about her. I'll never forget this moment for the rest of my life. I can see Mac gathering her thoughts. She's speechless, and starts to walk slowly out of the hatch.  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
I said all I could say. Now all I can do is sit and wait for her to decide our fate. I silently pray for the strength it will take if I get the wrong answer. It's up to her now. She knows what she has to do. 


	3. You're The One

Title: You're The One

Author: Barb

Classification: PG-13  
  
A/N: Feedback is welcome, even the bad ones.  
  
This story takes place at the end of Trojan Horse and is the third and last part following The Depth of His Love and What Have I Done? This hasn't been beta read by anyone, so all mistakes are mine.  
  
Late Friday

USS Wake Island

Arabian Sea  
  
Harm and Mac had had "the talk" tonight and both were feeling a little uncomfortable. Harm didn't want to say anything else, thinking surely he had made a mistake by blurting out his inner most thoughts, and was awaiting her wrath. Mac on the other hand, was feeling the tension just because she knew she had to get back to Clay as soon as possible, it's time to talk. So they grabbed the COD and then a transport for hours strapped in right next to each other. Once they got settled, they both leaned back and feigned sleep. It was easier this way, rather than having to talk or look at each other, there was too much unfinished business. They both became lost in their own thoughts for the duration and the trip was uneventful.  
  
They disembarked from the transport and found their cars, waved goodnight, and went back to their apartments. It's Friday, so neither of them had to report to work until Monday. Plenty of time to get settled, pay some bills, clean the house and stock up on food. And get the weekly uniforms cleaned and pressed.  
  
0742 Sunday

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station  
  
Harm had just gotten back from a 5-mile run and decided to take a quick shower. His hair was still wet and he had just gotten his shorts on when he heard someone knocking on the door. He grabbed his t-shirt and quickly pulled it over his head. That was probably Mattie. She was going on a day trip with a friend and her parents, and had left her iPod here last night. He laughed to himself, thinking how she had probably been running around frantically this morning, she can't live without her music, especially on a road trip. He was wondering how long it had taken her to figure out it was here. She'd lose her head if it weren't attached. He grabbed the player and swung open the door.  
  
"Hey kiddo, I knew you'd....." he said with a smirk but his smile quickly changed when he saw who it was. "Hi Mac." He wasn't expecting to see her, especially not this early. He knew she liked to sleep in on rainy Sundays. Mac was wearing a sundress with spaghetti straps and some nice sandals. She looks great, and smells so good, even better than the other night. Must be different soap or a new perfume.  
  
"Hi." She gave him a light smile. Harm stood there with his mouth half open and was somewhat uncomfortable because he couldn't think of a thing to say, silently wishing he had his guitar with him right about now. It's always been a good buffer for him.  
  
"Can I come in?" Mac asked.  
  
"Sure, come on in." You idiot, he admonished himself, could you make her feel any more unwelcome? He moved out of the way and closed the door after her, then found himself facing her. "Uh, can I get you something to drink?"  
  
"Water would be nice, thanks." Mac replied. They walked together to the kitchen area and Harm put the iPod down on the counter. He reached for a clean glass from the dish drainer and turned on the tap to fill her glass while Mac put down her purse. Harm handed Mac the glass and then there was another knock on the door. Harm held up a finger to motion Mac to wait, grabbed the iPod, and opened the door.  
  
"Harm, I forgot...." Mattie started to say, when Harm held out the iPod to her.  
  
"You know me too well, this is getting scary, Harm." Mattie replied teasingly.  
  
He smirked at that. "Have fun today, Mattie. Let me know when you get home."  
  
"I will, thanks Harm." He closed the door and turned around to find Mac still standing there with her glass in her hand.  
  
"If you're busy Harm, I could always come back another time." Mac said.  
  
"No, I've got nothing to do for the rest of the day except the usual, you know, laundry, stuff like that. So you saved me actually. You know how much I hate ironing." He joked and motioned her over to the couch. "Have a seat."  
  
"Thanks." Harm waited until Mac sat down at the end of the sofa before coming to sit next to her. Not too close, he warned himself. He remembered what happened the last time he got too close. They hadn't talked about it yet and he wasn't planning on bringing it up again. Besides, it's only been a couple of days.  
  
"So." He smiled.  
  
"So." She felt awkward. She raised her glass to her mouth and thought how grateful she was that she had something to do with her hands. She took a small sip of water and thought inwardly, this was going to be harder than she thought. "I just came by to talk, is that okay?"  
  
"Of course. What is it, Mac? Is everything alright?" He asked, starting to get concerned that something has happened.  
  
"Yeah, everything's fine," she assured him. She took a deep breath and said, "I don't know, and maybe this isn't the right time, and maybe I shouldn't even be asking you this, but I was just wondering, why did it take you so long to tell me how you felt? Why now?"  
  
Harm wasn't prepared for such a direct question. Not here, not now. This is the second time she caught him off guard. "Well Mac, it's complicated." He said, but Mac just dropped her chin and looked up at him, eyebrows raised. He's seen that look many times when she was getting annoyed with him. Truth time. "Okay, I was scared. There, I said it."  
  
"Scared of what?" She asked. She reached out and put her hand on his arm.  
  
"Of you. Of wanting you so much. You know me Mac, it's always been about not letting people get close, being afraid to let go, not wanting to lose control. I know it took a long time for me...."  
  
"Yeah, that's the understatement of the century." She laughed lightheartedly.  
  
He smiled back. He leaned down and put his elbows on his thighs, and touched his hands to his face, then clasped his hands together. He looked at her, wishing he could read her thoughts. "It's just that I've been taking stock in my life recently Mac, and I realized after all that's happened, over the last year especially, what's really important to me. Not that I hadn't already done that. But this time was different."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well, for one thing, I've never felt more disconnected from you before. You've been such a big part of my life for 8 years. I really felt like we lost each other, you know? That's never happened before. I mean, I know we've had our moments, but never anything like this."  
  
Mac nodded and bowed her head in agreement. "Yeah, I know."  
  
"It took us how long just to be able to be in the same room together, even longer to become friends again. I really missed you, Mac."  
  
"I missed you too." She put down her water glass and reached for his hand, he took it. This felt so good, just to sit here like this.  
  
"And then I realized something for the first time." He paused and Mac waited for him to continue.  
  
"You challenge me in a way I never thought possible. Mac, you make me _want_ to lose control. And I'm not afraid anymore." He smiled and squeezed her hand.  
  
Mac smiled, her whole world lit up. "Wow."  
  
"Yeah, wow. Pretty profound, huh?" They shared a laugh.  
  
Mac sobered. "Harm, I need to tell you why I'm here."  
  
"Okay." He swallowed, hoping this was going to be good news. Either way, he'd made the statement, he wasn't going to take it back.  
  
"After the other night, I did an awful lot of thinking, soul searching. I don't think I've gotten too much sleep thinking about it." She took a small sip of water and continued. "I spent a lot of time evaluating my relationship with Clay. I knew it wasn't working, but I tried so hard, more than I should have I'm sure. I think I was trying to rescue him all over again, and I realize now, that that's not possible. With or without our shared experience in Paraguay, the truth is Clay is a good guy, but he doesn't have what it takes to make me happy. I broke up with him last night, and I feel so relieved, like a giant weight's been lifted off my shoulders."  
  
Harm didn't react outwardly, but inside he was elated. He reached out to caress her leg. She felt the electricity....that's all it took for her, a look, a touch.  
  
Mac said, "I understand what you mean about being scared, because I was scared too. Scared of letting you get too close. I thought as long as I had you there as my best friend, I could keep you at arm's length, and that was enough to made me happy, for a while. I learned something in all this too....that there's no substitute for what I really want in my heart, and that's you....as my best friend, my lover, my husband, the father of my children, the man I want to grow old with." She reached out and took his hands in hers. "I love you, Harm. And it's never been more clear to me.....you're the one."  
  
Harm groaned with pleasure, then leaned in and took Mac's chin in his hand. He looked at her and saw the love there in her eyes. He brushed his lips to her soft ones, continuing further with a mating of tongues that ignited the heat inside them both. Harm stood up and reached out his hands for Mac to take, and she stood and slid her arms around Harm's neck, pulling him closer in a slow, tender, hug. Harm crushed her to his chest and then pulled her body against his arousal, eliciting a moan from both of them. They held on tight for a moment, savoring the feel of the heat zinging between them both. Harm leaned in for a kiss that started out slow but soon became passionate, their lips parted and their tongues tangled as they descended deeper into the heat. Harm broke away and Mac moaned in protest until he leaned over to her shoulder, and started placing barely-there kisses and working his way up to the nape of her neck, then finding her earlobe which produced a low moan of pleasure that quickly became an uncontrollable shiver. Her breathing became erratic and her knees were starting to weaken with each additional kiss, and all the while their lower bodies started swaying to their own imaginary beat.  
  
"Mac, oh Mac, you feel so good. Mmmmm, permission to hold you like this forever."  
  
"Mmmhmm." She says as she nuzzles his neck. Her hands start to wander underneath his t-shirt. Mmmm, his skin is so warm. She runs her hands up his back, then brings them around to the front and up his chest wall. Harm takes a slow deep breath, "Mac, your hands feel so good." He takes her lead and starts working his hands down her back and further, down to her gorgeous six, and pulled her closer to him. Mac felt the intimate contact and moaned, "Harm, it's getting really hot in here."  
  
"I'm sorry, Mac, are we going too fast? I mean, we can slow down if that's what you want." That's not what he wanted, but he didn't want to screw this up when everything was going so much better than he had a right to ask.  
  
"Harm, I've been waiting for this for 8 years, no, I don't want to stop, please don't stop." She pleaded. That was all the answer Harm needed. "I'm ready, Mac. I want to let go, and I want to do it with you."  
  
"Take me, Harm. I want you."  
  
He picked her up in his arms and carried her up to his bedroom, then set her slowly down on the floor. Harm reached down and put his hands under Mac's sundress, then reached up the length of her body to lift the dress over her head, he was speechless when he found her clad only in her panties and nothing else. "Oh Mac, you are so beautiful." He said as he looped his thumbs into her panty line and pushed them ever so slowly down her legs. That was one of the most erotic experiences he's had in a while and he is burning with need for her.  
  
Mac reached under Harm's shirt and pulled it up over his head, when she was rewarded with a view of his chest and abs, and sculpted muscles. She massaged her hands up his abdomen and chest, and following up to his shoulders and down his arms, and Harm was breathing rapidly. They continued back down his chest to his abdomen where his shorts were waiting. She slowly put her hands into the elastic waistband and slid the shorts over his now obvious arousal and down his legs, where they were tossed into a corner of the room. She reached out for him, "Harm...."  
  
And so it began, the world faded away and they were the only ones left in their universe. They came together finally in a slow dance of tastes, touches, and emotions the likes of which neither had experienced in their lives. The heat enveloped them and they wished to stay wrapped tightly in it for all eternity. They never wanted this all consuming agony of pleasure to end. And when they joined together, they finally understood the meaning of unconditional love, letting go, and losing control. And they were going to be okay, more than okay.


End file.
